How to Listen Reflectively to Support Student Growth

Genuine and caring relationships are powerful in service of student academic progress. The most difficult students need relationships more than others. Does this task feel daunting? What about holding troubled students accountable? Read on to learn how to use reflective listening to help build relationships and hold students accountable. 

What is Reflective Listening?
The basic idea behind reflective listening is that you listen well enough to someone else that you can repeat back to them what they said. It shows that you're listening and also helps you understand their perspective, helps them clarify their thinking, and helps build trust by letting them feel heard. 

How to Listen Reflectively

1. Seek privacy. To the extent it is feasible and with your safety in mind (you never really want to be alone with a student), create a sense of privacy. This will help students feel like they don't have an audience, which can allow them to stay calm. Think of places that would work: the hallway? an office with a window? Go somewhere so the student who really needs to be heard and to sort through something does not have other people to worry about. 
2. Help them feel comfortable. Be open to what they need to get talking. Your goal here is to start gathering information, not to guide the conversation. Let them do whatever they need to do to accomplish that: pacing, laying on the floor, closing their eyes...whatever works. Get the student talking. 
3. Look for a natural pause in their story. When the student stops talking, tell them what you heard them say. I like to say something like, "What I'm hearing you say is..." followed by a recap of their points. Be sure to ask if you're right and if there's anything else to add. Let them add more and correct any details they think you got wrong. Once you recap and they approve of your summary, then you can begin to dig a bit deeper. 
4. Now that you have their story, start to problem solve. Help the student identify solutions. When you know what they think happened, and what their part was in the situation, you can determine a different course of action should a similar situation happen again. Even now, if the student speaks up again, keep using reflective listening strategies to clarify their meaning and help them problem solve. 

How this Builds Relationships
Many students, especially those that are in trouble a lot, may not feel truly heard very often. When they're upset, it's usually hard for them to communicate well. By listening well enough that you can recap what the student said and help them understand what they're saying, they will most likely feel a sense of safety and trust with you. Now, if you have a deceitful student who is not very keen on the "facts" and, instead, does some lying, feel free to triangulate/corroborate their story. Do this by listening to them first in a reflective manner and then bring other folks in who were part of the situation to see other perspectives. If you're hoping to build a relationship, be careful with corroboration. You don't want to play "gotcha" here. Instead, as I said, listen to their whole story, help them communicate with others who were involved, and work with the multiple points of view to get a clear story and problem solve. Give them the benefit of the doubt, if you can. It will help them to feel trusted, even if they're bending the truth. 
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What about Time?!
Yes, this takes time, but it's not something you need to do very often or with lots of students. The most difficult students need your time the most. Using reflective listening with them and focusing on other relationship building strategies is a huge investment to mitigate future problems. 

Check out the Video the Inspired This Post!
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